The Good, The Bad, and The Neutral

October 12, 2011 5:14 PM

Author: Dr. Pam Murphy is a child psychologist at the National Center for Telehealth & Technology (T2).

Many variables contribute to your overall happiness and sense of well-being. Of course everyone is different, but for many individuals positive relationships are an essential element of "happiness." Any relationship might be in this category - relationships with your significant other, children, relatives, friends or colleagues. If your relationships correlate to your contentment with life, you might ask yourself... "What can I do to make my relationships better"?

Relationships are influenced by many factors, but one of the most important is how we talk to people that matter to us. Some communication strategies to strengthen relationships can be found here in our Families & Friendships and Families with Kids workshops. Another strategy you might want to try in order to improve any one of your relationships is to count. Yes, count.

Starting right this moment, keep track of the types of comments you make to one person that matters to you. Comments fall into 3 categories: positive, negative, and neutral. A positive comment might be, "Excellent work on this report." A negative comment could be, "I told you 10 times to stop hitting your brother." And a neutral comment would be, "I'm going to go to the grocery store." Now, you don't have to write down the actual comment - just count the category of your comments. Questions 'count' too. You may want to place questions in the neutral category, but realize that many questions are loaded in the negative direction. Be honest - no one has to know what you're doing except you. You can count for an hour or all day. Then look at your tally.

No surprise, but relationships work better when we've made more positive than negative comments. With children, some experts suggest a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative (or corrective) comments. Even with a friend or spouse, relationships are strengthened by positive, honest, affirming comments. Certainly good friends criticize and make constructive suggestions that feel "negative." But it is the ratio that matters.

As the positive comments outnumber the negative, the better chance this relationship will add to your happiness.

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Real Warriors www.realwarriors.net The Real Warriors Campaign is an initiative launched by the Defense Centers of Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury (DCoE) to promote the processes of building resilience, facilitating recovery and supporting reintegration of returning service members, veterans and their families.	Brainline Military www.brainlinemilitary.org Living with traumatic brain injury (TBI): help for service members, veterans, national guard, reserve, and families.	My Healthevet www.myhealth.va.gov Sesame Street Workshop’s Talk, Listen, Connect and Family Connections are multimedia initiative that guides military families through multiple challenges, such as deployments, homecomings, and changes that occur when a parent comes home.	National Center for PTSD www.ptsd.va.gov The National Center for PTSD is a center of excellence for research and education on the prevention, understanding, and treatment of PTSD. The center has seven divisions across the country.	Defense Centers of Excellence www.dcoe.health.mil The National Center for PTSD is a center of excellence for research and education on the prevention, understanding, and treatment of PTSD. The center has seven divisions across the country.	National Center for Telehealth and Technology t2health.org The National Center for Telehealth and Technology (T2) researches, develops, evaluates, and deploys new and existing technologies for Psychological Health (PH) and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) across the Department of Defense (DoD). T2 is a component center of the Defense Centers of Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury.	Deployment Health Clinical Center www.pdhealth.mil The Deployment Health Clinical Center (DHCC) aims to improve deployment-related health by providing caring assistance and medical advocacy for military personnel and families with deployment-related health concerns. DHCC serves as a catalyst and resource center for the continuous improvement of deployment-related healthcare across the military healthcare system and the Center is a component of the Defense Center of Excellence (DCoE) for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury.	Center for Deployment Psychology deploymentpsych.org The Center for Deployment Psychology aims to promote the education of psychologists and other behavioral health specialists about issues pertaining to the deployment of military personnel. The CDP is a tri-service center funded by Congress to train military and civilian psychologists, psychology interns/residents, and other behavioral health professionals to provide high quality deployment-related behavioral health services to military personnel and their families.	Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress www.centerforthestudyoftraumaticstress.org The Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress (CSTS) is dedicated to advancing trauma-informed knowledge, leadership and methodologies. The Center’s work addresses a wide scope of trauma exposure from the consequences of combat, operations other than war, terrorism, natural and human-made disasters, and public health threats. CSTS is a part of Uniformed Services University (USU), and its Department of Psychiatry, as well as a partnering center of the Defense Centers of Excellence (DCoE) for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury.	Defense and Veterans Brain Injury Center www.dvbic.org The Defense and Veterans Brain Injury Center (DVBIC) serves active duty military, their beneficiaries, and veterans with traumatic brain injuries (TBIs) through state-of-the-art clinical care, innovative clinical research initiatives and educational programs. DVBIC fulfills this mission through ongoing collaboration with military, VA and civilian health partners, local communities, families and individuals with TBI. DVBIC is a component center of the Defense Centers of Excellence (DCoE) for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury.	National Intrepid Center of Excellence www.dcoe.health.mil The National Intrepid Center of Excellence is an advanced facility dedicated to the research, diagnosis and treatment of military personnel and Veterans suffering from traumatic brain injury (TBI) and psychological health challenges.	U.S. Department of Defense www.defense.gov The mission of the U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) is to provide the military forces needed to deter war and to protect the security of our country. The DoD engages in war-fighting, humanitarian aid, peacekeeping, disaster relief, and homeland security. The Department is currently headed by Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and is headquartered at the Pentagon.	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